I think there is one element of my personality that is both a positive and a negative to all people - my directness. Maybe sometimes it comes off as 'brash' or 'blunt', hence the negative. But for me, I require clear communication in order to have a thriving relationship with anyone. Straight forward communication is a huge plus for me. I have never been good at reading between the lines or deciphering code or simple puzzles for that matter. No, I'm not a puzzle person. I much rather just have someone tell me whatever is on their mind than make me guess. Not only are the odds that I will guess correctly extremely slim, it is such a waste of time.
When I was dating the Brit, one of our biggest issues was that I could hardly understand a word the man said. I don't have stellar hearing; a lot of what comes out of a clear speaking person's mouth sounds like muffled Latin to me. So, throw in a Liverpoolian * yes, that is now a word according to me * accent and the conversation isn't even going to lift off. I would say 'what?' a maximum of 3 times and give up. And he would just keep chattering away in his high shrill voice as if we were actually discussing something. The worst part was he thought the fact that I (and most people who came into contact with him) couldn't understand him was actually funny! How annoying - seriously. What is funny about not being understood?
In some of my female friendships I have the same 'lack of clear communication' issue. Signals get crossed; intentions are misunderstood; and feelings get hurt because there is no clear communication. More often than not, it is because rather than someone telling me what is bothering them, they just internalize it and run with emotion. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the proverbial molehill becomes Mt. Everest when a woman takes hold of it. I don't mean this as a 'bashing' statement toward women, I like my sex, it is simply an observation. I've had many, many female friendships over the years and have experienced the cold shoulder; the silent treatment; the 'punishing' distance enough times to see this behavior is pretty common. I'm guessing it is because most women have been conditioned not to be confrontational. Rather than just address an issue and actually tell the other person what is up, women prefer to clam up and make you guess. In the time it takes for you to guess, they are stirring up that emotional pot in their head and now what started out as a simple misunderstanding has grown into an offense so great it will require years of therapy to recover from. * Maybe this is what men mean when they say they don't want 'drama'? * I do know that trying to figure out why someone is upset with you when they won't give you a clue is like trying to hit a pinata in the wind. * I really don't like pinatas to be honest - too much work for very little return *
I used to have this friend, my best friend at the time, who would get pissed off about some mystery reason and not talk to me for days or give me the cold, snotty shoulder every time she saw me. She would literally stick her nose in the air when she passed by me. It was ridiculous. We worked together, so avoiding contact was impossible. Her behavior at work would deteriorate to juvenile quickly and other co-workers would often comment about how she must be 'upset' with me. * Duh * After a few days I would finally wear her down enough (or she got tired of not having anyone to hang out with) and she would tell me what "IT" (my offense) was. Then almost always she would say "I didn't want to tell you because it seemed petty". But it didn't seem petty to treat me like a jerk for three days in front of our co-workers and leave me wondering what was going on????? More than once she actually asked me if I thought she had a 'punishing personality' because her boyfriend told her she did. I was never sure if that was an actual question or she just wanted me to confirm what she already knew. Because I am direct I always told her "Yes, you are punishing".
Men online are no different. They say they want one thing, usually a 'relationship' with someone who sounds just like me, but after a date or two you notice they are still looking online for someone who is 'just like me' but better. It seems that they are either schizophrenic; they don't know what they want; or they are just full of crap :) Or, could it be that they just don't want to communicate that I am not the person they are looking for? I would much rather just hear that. Tell me the truth, I can take it. Don't give me the 'I have been busy' line or lie about your computer being broke. The truth works for me, even when it isn't what I really want to hear. I have had to tell a few really nice guys that I wasn't feeling a connection that seemed strong enough for us to continue dating. I hate having to express that to a person who is sweet and kind, but I rather just tell someone the truth. It is what it is.
I think we have all heard or read the story of the Tower of Babel. There was a reason God gave them all different languages and it was to stop PROGRESS. Without clear communication you accomplish nothing. Or at least that is what I got out of that story :) Fortunately, most of us have the option of communicating clearly and I think we should all embrace that choice as a gift.
As Nike would say - JUST SAY IT!
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Posted by: pozycja | 02/19/2013 at 02:04 AM