I don't have a lot of friends. I used to. I had quite the little social circle of around 15 people about 5 years ago. Not that they were all friends of each other; most of them had never met each other, but they all liked me and visa versa. For the most part they were all diverse; interesting; creative; outgoing types. I had friends to go to the movies with; friends to go out to eat with; friends for concerts, music, and dancing; friends for coffee and great conversation; friends who loved art and creative things; friends who were athletic and adventurous; and friends who's shoulders I had cried on and they had cried on mine. I had a couple friends who I saw almost every day and they pretty much became like family, since my 'real' family is so minute.
I really noticed a shift in friends about 10 years ago when people slowly started marrying off. It started with my dear bohemian hippie friend I will call 'Adam' *in honor of my hippie love Adam Duritz of Counting Crows* Adam and I used to hang out a lot. Even when I was married he and I went to concerts together; festivals; and cultural events. We worked together at night, so our days were free. He turned me on to great new music and loved my artwork. We never went over the line of friendship, but maybe there was some minor 'crush' being shared between us *he was incredibly cute* - we never spoke of it. We hung out for a couple years until he met his now wife, 'Anna'. I was invited to the wedding, it was a lovely event. About two months later they moved to Arizona for a while so Adam could attend school, but we talked on the phone about once a week. In the following years, after they moved back, we got together here and there, very infrequently for Earth Day events or some other festival. Once they were expecting their first baby, I stopped getting calls all together. I did add Adam to my Facebook friends list after their daughter was born and when he needed people to vote that his small business was the best guitar shop in town, I would get a note. But that was it....
I had another guy friend I'll call 'Lance' *he is very athletic and reminds me of Lance Armstrong* Again, we worked together at a property I managed. He was my part time maintenance man and quickly we became friends. We both have Jesus faith and a very sarcastic sense of humor. I knew he had a crush on me, he wasn't shy about that, but we never crossed the line. He would bring me chocolate when I was PMSing at work *the non-stop crying over dirty filters was probably a tell tale sign* I mean..he was a good friend. He took me kayaking; we went wake boarding; snowboarding; on picnics (with other friends); we took a bicycling trip to Monterey; and went to lunch at the vegetarian drive in pretty often. He made me a cool built in wine holder for my kitchen and was forever helping me around the house. *ok...now that I write that I see he was demonstrating what a good hubby he would be...* We did enjoy each other's company and my daughter, Fynn, thought Lance was a pretty cool dude. I will say, one day he did try to crush my then boyfriend with a refrigerator they were moving to an upstairs unit, but other than that...Lance was a cool dude :) I even tried to help him write a good personal ad to find a woman and coached him on 'romance'. Then after a couple years of great friendship, Lance met 'Melody' at his church. They are both Seventh Day Adventist, so a good match. The next thing I hear he is engaged. Our phone calls went form 1 or 2 a week to once a month. I got an invitation to the wedding, which was absolutely beautiful. That was the first - and only - time I have ever met Melody. She is my age, Lance is 8 years younger than we are. But they make a great couple. They are both very athletic and adventurous. She was very warm to me and even said 'It isn't my fault you haven't seen our house, I keep telling Lance to have you over"...hmmmm, interesting. I haven't heard a word from Lance since. That wedding was December 17, 2010.
There have been other instances of me going from friend to 'filler' that I think I will refrain from writing about because some of those folks might actually read this. Men who have been my good friends who met someone and stopped talking to me except to invite me to be in the audiance of some big event in their life. If there is a block of time that 'they' aren't doing anything I might get an invite for coffee so my guy friends doesn't have to be alone for an hour, but there is never a block of time cut out just for me. I fill empty seats; empty time. I don't know if I became a filler person because I am a single person, therefore not suitable to be invited to a dinner party or participate in the life of a couple or because the people who used to be my friend, active in my life are, for the most part, men. OHHHHHHH...wait a minute...* I didn't even realize that until I started writing it * Maybe I have just answered my own question! *I'm having a ta da!!! moment* It isn't that I have gone from friend to filler; it is that my friend had other intentions for me that went wayyyyy beyond friendship and that position has been filled by someone else. It isn't that I am no longer their friend, but that I was never really just a friend. I was a potential something else :)
I totally get that now.....call me brunette.
Self therapy though the written word in action folks...:)
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Posted by: marta | 01/26/2013 at 07:16 PM