Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand this need some people seem to have to throw all of their dirty laundry on the table for the whole world to see (or read in the case of online personal ads) before ever having a conversation with the person reading it. What ever happened to timing? To building rapport with someone in an orderly fashion *yes, I do like some degree of order in my dating life* and easing into extremely personal topics like past relationships? Not only that, but why do people think that total strangers want to be bombarded with detailed information about their ex, the breakup, and emotional aftermath? Have people really become so self absorbed that they really believe the whole world is interested in their divorce drama?
There is a 'dating' group that consistently seems to believe that these types of revelations are outstanding introduction starters - The Separated Dater. I believe the reason this segment of the dating scene feels that everyone (including potential dates) desires to know all this dramatic information is because they have spent so much time talking about the attempts at reconciliation; the marriage counseling; the separation; dealing with custody; child support; etc...with family and friends, that it has become part of their normal conversation. That kind of chat is just bleeding into what is most likely a premature dating life. After all, if you are still rambling on about 'the breakup', you probably aren't really ready to move on into a new relationship that would have any hope of being healthy - since you aren't emotionally healthy or healed yet. Exactly why I don't date The Separated.
This morning I was checking out ads on Match.com and ran across this ad written by a pretty decent looking guy. His picture was cute, so I decided to find out more about him and read his ad. Here is an excerpt starting with the very first line:
Not your usual story - Analytical and calculating until life gave me 4 lifetimes in 3 years - and put me on a different path...What's your story?*ok, I have to ask - do people really believe they are that unique? Don't they think that other people have life altering experiences in their mid life? And is it me or is that the most tramatic sounding intro you have every read??? Read on, it gets better*
I often get asked - so stats are: Worked on reconcilliiation most of 2010 Moved to separate room Jan 2011 Moved out May 2011 Filed for Divorce Aug 2011 Met someone great in Aug who I learned so much from Looking for the right connection of "emotional" and "physical" Divorce not yet final, amicable process
My initial reaction was...Holy Hell!!! I need to know that because.... why? First of all, any woman who goes on a first (or second...or even third) date with a guy hoping to build some kind of relationship and asks him all the details of his divorce is an idiot. * No, I don't agree with the idea that you need to know why someones last relationship ended in order to find out who they are in a relationship BEFORE you are even familiar with him as an individual *Secondly, the number one rule of a first date is to NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR EX. This fellow is laying out details before he even makes contact! * How efficient * Not only do you get details about the divorce, you also get to know he met someone 'great' afterwards and learned so much from that relationship. * Yippy * T.M.I dude.
This guy really isn't that unique. I see this kind of self exposure and overload of personal information all the time online. When I read things like this in a personal ad all I see are HUGE RED FLAGS, but to the emotionally damaged and needy female they may be a huge turn on. Someone is dating these guys after all. Here are some more examples that were too easy to find:
I am a 41 year old guy currently going through my 2ed devorce with a 5 year old daughter and 4 year old son.. just plain tired of having my heart broken, not into games* Maybe a relationship vacation might be in order. Am I allowed to suggest that this fellow needs the help of a counselor...and spell check? *
....I am Skeptical in regards to everything you hear about these dating sites. I trusted once unconditionally. Now I am very cautious as I had been hurt. I am not in a hurry to have that type of pain again. * wow, again...anyone know a good counselor?*
I need to reorganize after 11 years of faithful marriage. *Reorganize? Like your closet?*
...I have been separated for over 2 years and have a draft Marital Settlement Agreement going back and forth and should file it soon. Amicable situation and working together on raising kids. I have my kids 50% of the time. *classic TMI - but he managed to get divorce AND custody arrangement details in. He wrote a pretty good profile up to this point *
Divorce is almost final. YEAH. Looking for something fresh and new.* There is something about the sheer excitement of dumping the ex that just grosses me out about this guy *
I’m currently separated, the divorce is still in progress (my attorney tells me it's going quickly and smoothly by her standards), but I have essentially been single for the last three years. My three children have known the situation for quite a while now, so I feel it's OK for me to start seeing someone new. *sadly, this guy is cute and wrote a pretty cool profile then he ends it with all his divorce, custody, and even LAWYER info...sighhhhhhh*
By God's grace I have managed to live peaceably with an ungodly woman for 25 years but she has filed for divorce and has made it very clear that she has no intention of trying to reconcile. God has given me a huge amount of grace and peace regarding the matter knowing I have been faithful and loving towards her even in the midst of her extreme hatred. And although the unbelieving has departed, the divorce has not been finalized yet. * As a person of Christian faith I say this with sincerity - this man needs to join a support group at his church, not Match .com - and STOP bashing your ex on a personal site! it isn't very Godly behavior*
It has been 4 months since my wife of 20 years left me for the single life. * This was this man's first line! At least he waited a whole 4 months before entering the world of online dating to vomit all his marriage drama on some needy single chick - yeah, 'vomit' was kind of extreme...I am emphasizing how annoying I find this*
I could find a million more examples; these came from just 25 ads. I can't count how many separated men over my 10 years of experience on the personals have told me 'My marriage is over except the paperwork". I have dated several of them believing exactly that. That has never been the case. I was always the girl who played sounding board listening to endless strories about how much they paid in child support and alimony; how unfair the custody arrangement was; how sad they were about losing the house she still got to live in; who mommy was dating now; and how bratty the kids treated him when they came to visit because 'Mommy put them up to it and didn't back him up" * duhhhh, she hates you now * Not only was I his divorce counselor, but I also go to be the girl he hung out with while he reinvented his life. It is kind of a gross process when a middle aged dude is trying to find his 'cool new self' through a complete reinvention of his persona. He starts listening to Nickleback, gets an ear pierced, maybe a Tribal tattoo (gross), a new 'spiky' haircut or goatee, buys a Harley, and learns to love wine tasting. Not a very genuine time in his life that is reminiscent of puberty and rather repugnant to someone like me who really needs to be in a relatiosnhip with a man who has a well established personality. While I believe it is perfectly natural to have pain and mourning when your divorce fails; to feel sad about losing your family and home; and a real need to reinvent yourself as a single person, this whole process isn't really condussive to starting a new relationship. Is it? Should we consider that perhaps this 'Journey of Healing'* sounds kinda New Age, huh? * is meant to be traveled as a single person....before you start seeing someone new? After all, shouldn't you first be a 'me' before a 'we'? *Going from a 'WE' to a 'WE' seems a little redundant to me* Not to mention, if you never take a break and completely end a past relationship doesn't it just bleed into the next? Isn't that evident by the examples above?
I have been divorced for 11 years and honestly, I rarely even think about my ex. We aren't best friends, we don't argue or co-parent, or ...well, anything. We are divorced. He has been remarriedand for 9 years and lives in another state with his wife, who I am pretty sure doesn't want me hanging around. We have our own lives. I haven't had a serious relationship since 2007. I have worked through my pain, sadness, disappointment, and all other issues pertaining to my breakup. There are no lingering issues or papers to be signed. I know who I am as a single person. I am seeking the same in a mate. Someone who is emotionally healthy, a complete person on his own, able to focus on someone new, and doesn't feel compelled to talk in any detail about his last breakup until we are actually a couple - somewhere around 6 or 7 dates. I'm looking for someone who will only focus on 'us' and our romance.
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