Leaving single

Is there a reason she is still around?

I really love Opie.  I just feel this incredible desire to express that to the whole world.  It has been so long since I have felt any real depth of emotion for another human being (other than my darling children)....it is almost foreign to me to open up my heart this wide.    After years of waiting for the opportunity to just give myself...and not finding such an opportunity, I thought I lost the abilty to really want another human being - but thankfully, I haven't.

* Ok...one more thing I just have to lay out there my darling readers....I sooooo wish I had my mom to share all this with.  I opened my computer tonight and magically Bob Dylan started playing....I was recording him onto my Walkman the other night....and immediately I thought of my Mom.  Aghhhh...finally I have found love again...and I can't tell her about it.  I hope she knows.  I'm not as broken as I thought I was *

So, with this amazing love and affection comes some sense of jealousy.  How horrid is that? * How 8th grade of me * But I need to admit it, to write about.  If you put it out there...maybe you can actually deal with the essence of your immaturity *or good common sense*...right?  We spent last weekend enjoying each other's company and at the near end of our time together...I actually DEMANDED that his ex be exciled off his social network page.  Yes, I got greedy and impatient.   I'm not sure why she was still his 'friend' on his page....but nonetheless, she was gone the next day.  Social networking is weird...lets face it.  I'm of the generation who had to adapt to all this socially correct BS.  Acting as though it is ok to be 'friends' with someone you were intimate with and it didn't work out, because that is how evolved we have all become in this great new century.  Can I stand up and be the one who says 'Bul*!it'.  I'm not really that evolved.  I'm no different than any other woman who has found a man she wants since the beginning of time.  I  want to pretend no other woman has ever known him and he has never cared about anyone but me.  Isn't that how woman are?  I don't want to share and I don't believe for one second that the ex has pure 'friendship' intentions.  I mean...are we now pretending that we are so sophisticated that women are no longer territorial?  *I for one like my man to be MINE*  Lets be real, the ex wants to be friends for one of two reasons - she wants him back or in case she wants him back some time in the future.  Ok...maybe one more, so the next woman in his life never feels really that secure in their relationship.  Yes, women are that mean * so are men, this goes both ways * Having your ex as a 'friend' ...well it's a stupid idea and basically a lie.  Do you actually go to hang out together?  Or are you just keeping tabs on what the other person is doing since the breakup?  Do you really want your ex to find everlasting love?  * You dont, don't lie *  After all, if they find true love with someone other than you that just makes you look like a bigger loser.  Right?   Having your ex as a friend certainly doesn't enhance your next relationship in any way.  It just makes the next person feel as though you can't let go of the past.  And you know...that includes any reminders that she was ever there.....

so.....when is the bonfire party for the ex pictures?  Mojitos are in order :)

Friend or filler?

I don't have a lot of friends.  I used to.  I had quite the little social circle of around 15 people about 5 years ago.  Not that they were all friends of each other; most of them had never met each other, but they all liked me and visa versa.  For the most part they were all diverse; interesting; creative; outgoing types.  I had friends to go to the movies with; friends to go out to eat with; friends for concerts, music, and dancing; friends for coffee and great conversation; friends who loved art and creative things; friends who were athletic and adventurous; and friends who's shoulders I had cried on and they had cried on mine.  I had a couple friends who I saw almost every day and they pretty much became like family, since my 'real' family is so minute. 

    I really noticed a shift in friends about 10 years ago when people slowly started marrying off.  It started with my dear bohemian hippie friend I will call 'Adam' *in honor of my hippie love Adam Duritz of Counting Crows*  Adam and I used to hang out a lot.  Even when I was married he and I went to concerts together; festivals; and cultural events.  We worked together at night, so our days were free.  He turned me on to great new music and loved my artwork.  We never went over the line of friendship, but maybe there was some minor 'crush' being shared between us *he was incredibly cute* - we never spoke of it.  We hung out for a couple years until he met his now wife, 'Anna'.  I was invited to the wedding, it was a lovely event.  About two months later they moved to Arizona for a while so Adam could attend school, but we talked on the phone about once a week.  In the following years, after they moved back, we got together here and there, very infrequently for Earth Day events or some other festival.  Once they were expecting their first baby, I stopped getting calls all together.  I did add Adam to my Facebook friends list after their daughter was born and when he needed people to vote that his small business was the best guitar shop in town, I would get a note.  But that was it....

   I had another guy friend I'll call 'Lance' *he is very athletic and reminds me of Lance Armstrong*  Again, we worked together at a property I managed.  He was my part time maintenance man and quickly we became friends.  We both have Jesus faith and a very sarcastic sense of humor.  I knew he had a crush on me, he wasn't shy about that, but we never crossed the line.  He would bring me chocolate when I was PMSing at work *the non-stop crying over dirty filters was probably a tell tale sign*  I mean..he was a good friend.  He took me kayaking; we went wake boarding; snowboarding; on picnics (with other friends); we took a bicycling trip to Monterey; and went to lunch at the vegetarian drive in pretty often.  He made me a cool built in wine holder for my kitchen and was forever helping me around the house. *ok...now that I write that I see he was demonstrating what a good hubby he would be...*  We did enjoy each other's company and my daughter, Fynn, thought Lance was a pretty cool dude.  I will say, one day he did try to crush my then boyfriend with a refrigerator they were moving to an upstairs unit, but other than that...Lance was a cool dude :)  I even tried to help him write a good personal ad to find a woman and coached him on 'romance'.  Then after a couple years of great friendship, Lance met 'Melody' at his church.  They are both Seventh Day Adventist, so a good match.  The next thing I hear he is engaged.  Our phone calls went form 1 or 2 a week to once a month.  I got an invitation to the wedding, which was absolutely beautiful.  That was the first - and only - time I have ever met Melody.  She is my age, Lance is 8 years younger than we are.  But they make a great couple.  They are both very athletic and adventurous.  She was very warm to me and even said 'It isn't my fault you haven't seen our house, I keep telling Lance to have you over"...hmmmm, interesting.  I haven't heard a word from Lance since.  That wedding was December 17, 2010.

 

   There have been other instances of me going from friend to 'filler' that I think I will refrain from writing about because some of those folks might actually read this.  Men who have been my good friends who met someone and stopped talking to me except to invite me to be in the audiance of some big event in their life.  If there is a block of time that 'they' aren't doing anything I might get an invite for coffee so my guy friends doesn't have to be alone for an hour, but there is never a block of time cut out just for me.  I fill empty seats; empty time.  I don't know if I became a filler person because I am a single person, therefore not suitable to be invited to a dinner party or participate in the life of a couple or because the people who used to be my friend, active in my life are, for the most part, men.  OHHHHHHH...wait a minute...* I didn't even realize that until I started writing it *  Maybe I have just answered my own question! *I'm having a ta da!!! moment*  It isn't that I have gone from friend to filler; it is that my friend had other intentions for me that went wayyyyy beyond friendship and that position has been filled by someone else.  It isn't that I am no longer their friend, but that I was never really just a friend.  I was a potential something else :)

I totally get that now.....call me brunette.

 

Self therapy though the written word in action folks...:) 

Tell me what I want to hear.....

Why do men from the personal ads always beg women to get on the phone ASAP without having any phone skills to have a decent conversation?  A guy will write me an email something like "I love your profile, your pics are cute...blah blah blah..here is my number.  I hate typing.  So please call or text me".  Hmmmm...seriously?  Isn't texting typing on a teeny little screen?  How is texting easier or more personal than typing an email exactly?  Once I do call, literally 80% of men have absolutely nothing to talk about.  If they do have something to talk about 98% of what they talk about is completely inappropriate or has nothing to do with getting to know me.  The conversation is like trying to dance with a guy in an epileptic fit.  It just doesn't work and isn't very pretty.  He is doing his own thing, I'm doing mine. 

I've decided to highlight a couple recent examples of conversations *I use that word 'conversation' loosly* I have had with men from the personals, starting with the guy who has nothing to talk about.

Last week I had this fellow ask me no less than 3 times in one day to call him.  He wrote me a very nice email with good body, some interesting content, flattering commentary.  He seemed promising, so I called him.  He answered the phone and in a very snide, long drawn out drawl .. "Soooooo, what's yourrrrr story"?  *Rude*  Now I'm supposed to tell you a story?  How stupid.  I replied with 'What's your story?  You're the one who wanted to jump on the phone".  Not to mention, he had a verrrrrry creepy voice, which is something I know can happen *a guy with a creeper voice* but it is still yucky nonetheless.  He didn't tell me his story.  He talked about his dog's recent surgery in great detail for a few minutes - he had something wrong with his intestines, has to wear a collar, isn't eating much, blah blah blah.   "My kid hurt her knee", I told him - yes,  I found a reason to get off the phone. 

A couple weeks earlier I had another first phone call with someone I have actually known since high school.  We weren't close friends or anything, we ran in different circles, but I know who he is and he has a vague idea who I am - or at least who I ran with.  I recognized him on a personal site; we sent a couple short emails back and forth; we seemed to have some kind of rapport.  He asked me a couple times if he could call so I finally relented and said yes.  Once on the phone, he had virtually nothing to talk about .  Since the phone is an instrument that requires someone to speak in order for it to work, I took over the conversation.  Of course, by minute 2 I'm sure he thought I talked too much *most men who beg me to get on the phone and have nothing to say generally do think I talk too much* but someone had to do the talking in order for our call to be considered a conversation.  Otherwise it is just breathing and I think that is classified as an obscene phone call *which would probably have been more fun*.  I asked him a couple questions about what he has been doing all these years, his kids, etc.  I then handed off the conversation that I started to him, let him take charge since this call was his idea after all.  He said about 3 sentences, all about people we knew in high school *30 years ago* and his ex wife *who we went to high school with* then said "Well, I'm done.  I have nothing else to talk about".  Yes, he really said that.  Ummmm, ok.  It wasn't worth fighting for more 'conversation' time...so I said goodbye.

The next example is the guy who doesn't know how to talk on a phone, so he interrogates instead of chatting.  He probably has a 3 x 5 card with a list of questions on it so it will appear to a stupid woman *which I am not* that he has conversational and information gathering skills.  I swear to you Dear Reader, it always goes like this:   "What do you like to do for fun" *how vague*  "How often do you have your kid(s)?" *none of your business in a first phone call* "Do you get along with your ex?" *again, none of your business and WHY would you want to talk about my ex in a first phone call?* "What are you looking for?" *I wrote an entire profile explaining that, read it* "What do you do for a living?" *seriously? It is on my profile*  I do have a suggestion for the guy who wants to get on the phone and hear a woman's voice, yet has virtually nothing to talk about.  There are tons of online surveys you could tap into that ask all kinds of FUN questions like what your favorite movie is, do you like winter or summer best, what is your weirdest habit, etc....and make a game of it.   Admit right off the bat that you aren't good on the phone; that you just wanted to hear my voice and get to know me better.  Say "I have some silly questions to get to know you better *that makes me feel special* if you would be up to answering them *always nice to be asked*".  Sadly, it is always the same lame questions in the monotone voice from a guy who seems about as interested in getting to know me as he is paying his taxes.  *.....And he seemed so fun in the email he wrote me...*

How about the guy who has more to say than anyone should ever hear.  The most recent example is from yesterday.  The beginning of our conversation started with him telling me far too much information about his kid drama, ex drama, and divorce situation.  *sighhhhhhhhh*  So, as commonly happens in these phone call situations, I counseled him on how his daughter is going through a normal stage; he just has to hang in there with the ex and learn to deal with her boyfriend because other people are out of his control; and divorce is always painful and disappointing, but it will get better.  *Yessss, I really said all that*.  This unload of dramatic information continued for about 8 minutes.  *yawnnnnnnn*  All from a man who describes himself as a 'romantic who knows how to treat a woman like a lady, misses romance and passion, is looking for a connection...etc'.  Never fails.  I'm not feeling the romance.  Then, suddenly, the conversation started to improve.  He was funny, asked some interesting questions about me, I was starting to feel like he might have some depth.  Then WHAM, I hear how he has had two romances from the personal site - the first was on meth.  *Ok, I can't help but wonder how someone misses the signs that the person they are dating might be on meth, particularly an ex-cop*  The second woman was in th same industry as I am; she was consumed by work; and always stressed out,BUT  they had.... and I quote, 'GREAT SEX'.  So good to hear :)  I can't tell you how much that information enhanced our whole conversation. 

I cannot count the number of phone conversations I have had with men who pushed me to call them and then only talked about the ex wife; ex girlfriend; custody arrangement; divorce; breakup; alimony; what they lost in the break up; how badly they are treated; how much they hate the ex's new boyfriend; etc .. etc .. etc.   Maybe the men who have something to talk about really are men with nothing to talk about.  Nothing constructive to dating anyway.

I remember when talking on the phone was fun.  I vote we bring FUN back into communication, particularly in the dating arena.  For you men who have nothing to talk about on the phone *or only a bunch of dramatic ex drama that no woman wants to hear*....play the 50 questions game and do it because not only is it fun, but maybe you will find out some interesting stuff about the woman you are talking to.  Not to mention, when you ask women questions about themselves it makes them feel like you are really interested in getting to know them, duh.  After all, you met her on a PERSONAL SITE...don't you want to get personal.....with her?

 

Suggestions.......

1. Ask her what her favorite food is, favorite restaurant, what she likes most about her job, what her ideal vacation would be, favorite movie, dream car, etc.....there is much more to talk about than ex's and drama.

 

HAPPY DATING PEOPLE