Leaving single

Why I don't date 'The Separated'....

Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand this need some people seem to have to throw all of their dirty laundry on the table for the whole world to see (or read in the case of online personal ads) before ever having a conversation with the person reading it.  What ever happened to timing?  To building rapport with someone in an orderly fashion *yes, I do like some degree of order in my dating life* and easing into extremely personal topics like past relationships?  Not only that, but why do people think that total strangers want to be bombarded with detailed information about their ex,  the breakup, and emotional aftermath?  Have people really become so self absorbed that they really believe the whole world is interested in their divorce drama?

There is a 'dating' group that consistently seems to believe that these types of revelations are outstanding introduction starters - The Separated Dater.  I believe the reason this segment of the dating scene feels that everyone (including potential dates) desires to know all this dramatic information is because they have spent so much time talking about the attempts at reconciliation; the marriage counseling; the separation; dealing with custody; child support; etc...with family and friends, that it has become part of their normal conversation.  That kind of chat is just bleeding into what is most likely a premature dating life.  After all, if you are still rambling on about 'the breakup', you probably aren't really ready to move on into a new relationship that would have any hope of being healthy - since you aren't emotionally healthy or healed yet.  Exactly why I don't date The Separated.

This morning I was checking out ads on Match.com and ran across this ad written by a pretty decent looking guy.  His picture was cute, so I decided to find out more about him and read his ad.  Here is an excerpt starting with the very first line:

Not your usual story - Analytical and calculating until life gave me 4 lifetimes in 3 years - and   put me on a different path...What's your story? *ok, I have to ask - do people really believe they are that unique? Don't they think that other people have life altering experiences in their mid life?  And is it me or is that the most tramatic sounding intro you have every read???   Read on, it gets better*

    I often get asked - so stats are:
    Worked on reconcilliiation most of 2010
    Moved to separate room Jan 2011
    Moved out May 2011
    Filed for Divorce Aug 2011
    Met someone great in Aug who I learned so much from
    Looking for the right connection of "emotional" and "physical"
    Divorce not yet final, amicable process

My initial reaction was...Holy Hell!!!  I need to know that because.... why?  First of all, any woman who goes on a first (or second...or even third) date with a guy hoping to build some kind of relationship and asks him all the details of his divorce is an idiot.  * No, I don't agree with the idea that you need to know why someones last relationship ended in order to find out who they are in a relationship BEFORE you are even familiar with him as an individual *  Secondly, the number one rule of a first date is to NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR EX.  This fellow is laying out details before he even makes contact!  * How efficient *  Not only do you get details about the divorce, you also get to know he met someone 'great' afterwards and learned so much from that relationship.  * Yippy *  T.M.I dude.

This guy really isn't that unique.  I see this kind of self exposure and overload of personal information all the time online.  When I read things like this in a personal ad all I see are HUGE RED FLAGS, but to the emotionally damaged and needy female they may be a  huge turn on.  Someone is dating these guys after all.  Here are some more examples that were too easy to find:

I am a 41 year old guy currently going through my 2ed devorce with a 5 year old daughter and 4 year old son.. just plain tired of having my heart broken, not into games  * Maybe a relationship vacation might be in order.  Am I allowed to suggest that this fellow needs the help of a counselor...and spell check? *

 ....I am Skeptical in regards to everything you hear about these dating sites.  I trusted once unconditionally. Now I am very cautious as I had been hurt. I am not in a hurry to have that type of pain again.  * wow, again...anyone know a good counselor?*

I need to reorganize after 11 years of faithful marriage. *Reorganize? Like your closet?*

 ...I have been separated for over 2 years and have a draft Marital Settlement Agreement going back and forth and should file it soon. Amicable situation and working together on raising kids.  I have my kids 50% of the time. *classic TMI  - but he managed to get divorce AND custody arrangement details in.  He wrote a pretty good profile up to this point *

Divorce is almost final. YEAH. Looking for something fresh and new. * There is something about the sheer excitement of dumping the ex that just grosses me out about this guy *

I’m currently separated, the divorce is still in progress (my attorney tells me it's going quickly and smoothly by her standards), but I have essentially been single for the last  three years. My three children have known the situation for quite a while now, so I feel it's OK for me to start seeing someone new. *sadly, this guy is cute and wrote a pretty cool profile then he ends it with all his divorce, custody, and even LAWYER info...sighhhhhhh*

By God's grace I have managed to live peaceably with an ungodly woman for 25 years but she has filed for divorce and has made it very clear that she has no intention of trying to reconcile. God has given me a huge amount of grace and peace regarding the matter knowing I have been faithful and loving towards her even in the midst of her extreme hatred.  And although the unbelieving has departed, the divorce has not been finalized yet. * As a person of Christian faith I say this with sincerity - this man needs to join a support group at his church, not Match .com - and STOP bashing your ex on a personal site! it isn't very Godly behavior*

It has been 4 months since my wife of 20 years left me for the single life. * This was this man's first line!  At least he waited a whole 4 months before entering the world of online dating to vomit all his marriage drama on some needy single chick - yeah, 'vomit' was kind of extreme...I am emphasizing how annoying I find this*

I could find a million more examples; these came from just 25 ads.  I can't count how many separated men over my 10 years of experience on the personals have told me 'My marriage is over except the paperwork".  I have dated several of them believing exactly that.  That has never been the case.  I was always the girl who played sounding board listening to endless strories about how much they paid in child support and alimony; how unfair the custody arrangement was; how sad they were about losing the house she still got to live in; who mommy was dating now; and how bratty the kids treated him when they came to visit because 'Mommy put them up to it and didn't back him up" * duhhhh, she hates you now *  Not only was I his divorce counselor, but I also go to be the girl he hung out with while he reinvented his life.  It is kind of a gross process when a middle aged dude is trying to find his 'cool new self' through a complete reinvention of his persona.  He starts listening to Nickleback, gets an ear pierced, maybe a Tribal tattoo (gross), a new 'spiky' haircut or goatee, buys a Harley, and learns to love wine tasting.  Not a very genuine time in his life that is reminiscent of puberty and rather repugnant to someone like me who really needs to be in a relatiosnhip with a man who has a well established personality.  While I believe it is perfectly natural to have pain and mourning when your divorce fails; to feel sad about losing your family and home; and a real need to reinvent yourself as a single person, this whole process isn't really condussive to starting a new relationship.  Is it?  Should we consider that perhaps this 'Journey of Healing' * sounds kinda New Age, huh? * is meant to be traveled as a single person....before you start seeing someone new?  After all, shouldn't you first be a 'me' before a 'we'?  *Going from a 'WE' to a 'WE' seems a little redundant to me*  Not to mention, if you never take a break and completely end a past relationship doesn't it just bleed into the next?  Isn't that evident by the examples above?

I have been divorced for 11 years and honestly, I rarely even think about my ex.  We aren't best friends, we don't argue or co-parent, or ...well, anything.  We are divorced.  He has been remarriedand for 9 years and lives in another state with his wife, who I am pretty sure doesn't want me hanging around.  We have our own lives.  I haven't had a serious relationship since 2007.  I have worked through my pain, sadness, disappointment, and all other issues pertaining to my breakup.  There are no lingering issues or papers to be signed.  I know who I am as a single person.  I am seeking the same in a mate.  Someone who is emotionally healthy, a complete person on his own, able to focus on someone new, and doesn't feel compelled to talk in any detail about his last breakup until we are actually a couple - somewhere around 6 or 7 dates.  I'm looking for someone who will only focus on 'us' and our romance. 

This is why I don't date 'The Separated".

Friend or filler?

I don't have a lot of friends.  I used to.  I had quite the little social circle of around 15 people about 5 years ago.  Not that they were all friends of each other; most of them had never met each other, but they all liked me and visa versa.  For the most part they were all diverse; interesting; creative; outgoing types.  I had friends to go to the movies with; friends to go out to eat with; friends for concerts, music, and dancing; friends for coffee and great conversation; friends who loved art and creative things; friends who were athletic and adventurous; and friends who's shoulders I had cried on and they had cried on mine.  I had a couple friends who I saw almost every day and they pretty much became like family, since my 'real' family is so minute. 

    I really noticed a shift in friends about 10 years ago when people slowly started marrying off.  It started with my dear bohemian hippie friend I will call 'Adam' *in honor of my hippie love Adam Duritz of Counting Crows*  Adam and I used to hang out a lot.  Even when I was married he and I went to concerts together; festivals; and cultural events.  We worked together at night, so our days were free.  He turned me on to great new music and loved my artwork.  We never went over the line of friendship, but maybe there was some minor 'crush' being shared between us *he was incredibly cute* - we never spoke of it.  We hung out for a couple years until he met his now wife, 'Anna'.  I was invited to the wedding, it was a lovely event.  About two months later they moved to Arizona for a while so Adam could attend school, but we talked on the phone about once a week.  In the following years, after they moved back, we got together here and there, very infrequently for Earth Day events or some other festival.  Once they were expecting their first baby, I stopped getting calls all together.  I did add Adam to my Facebook friends list after their daughter was born and when he needed people to vote that his small business was the best guitar shop in town, I would get a note.  But that was it....

   I had another guy friend I'll call 'Lance' *he is very athletic and reminds me of Lance Armstrong*  Again, we worked together at a property I managed.  He was my part time maintenance man and quickly we became friends.  We both have Jesus faith and a very sarcastic sense of humor.  I knew he had a crush on me, he wasn't shy about that, but we never crossed the line.  He would bring me chocolate when I was PMSing at work *the non-stop crying over dirty filters was probably a tell tale sign*  I mean..he was a good friend.  He took me kayaking; we went wake boarding; snowboarding; on picnics (with other friends); we took a bicycling trip to Monterey; and went to lunch at the vegetarian drive in pretty often.  He made me a cool built in wine holder for my kitchen and was forever helping me around the house. *ok...now that I write that I see he was demonstrating what a good hubby he would be...*  We did enjoy each other's company and my daughter, Fynn, thought Lance was a pretty cool dude.  I will say, one day he did try to crush my then boyfriend with a refrigerator they were moving to an upstairs unit, but other than that...Lance was a cool dude :)  I even tried to help him write a good personal ad to find a woman and coached him on 'romance'.  Then after a couple years of great friendship, Lance met 'Melody' at his church.  They are both Seventh Day Adventist, so a good match.  The next thing I hear he is engaged.  Our phone calls went form 1 or 2 a week to once a month.  I got an invitation to the wedding, which was absolutely beautiful.  That was the first - and only - time I have ever met Melody.  She is my age, Lance is 8 years younger than we are.  But they make a great couple.  They are both very athletic and adventurous.  She was very warm to me and even said 'It isn't my fault you haven't seen our house, I keep telling Lance to have you over"...hmmmm, interesting.  I haven't heard a word from Lance since.  That wedding was December 17, 2010.

 

   There have been other instances of me going from friend to 'filler' that I think I will refrain from writing about because some of those folks might actually read this.  Men who have been my good friends who met someone and stopped talking to me except to invite me to be in the audiance of some big event in their life.  If there is a block of time that 'they' aren't doing anything I might get an invite for coffee so my guy friends doesn't have to be alone for an hour, but there is never a block of time cut out just for me.  I fill empty seats; empty time.  I don't know if I became a filler person because I am a single person, therefore not suitable to be invited to a dinner party or participate in the life of a couple or because the people who used to be my friend, active in my life are, for the most part, men.  OHHHHHHH...wait a minute...* I didn't even realize that until I started writing it *  Maybe I have just answered my own question! *I'm having a ta da!!! moment*  It isn't that I have gone from friend to filler; it is that my friend had other intentions for me that went wayyyyy beyond friendship and that position has been filled by someone else.  It isn't that I am no longer their friend, but that I was never really just a friend.  I was a potential something else :)

I totally get that now.....call me brunette.

 

Self therapy though the written word in action folks...:) 

Tell me what I want to hear.....

Why do men from the personal ads always beg women to get on the phone ASAP without having any phone skills to have a decent conversation?  A guy will write me an email something like "I love your profile, your pics are cute...blah blah blah..here is my number.  I hate typing.  So please call or text me".  Hmmmm...seriously?  Isn't texting typing on a teeny little screen?  How is texting easier or more personal than typing an email exactly?  Once I do call, literally 80% of men have absolutely nothing to talk about.  If they do have something to talk about 98% of what they talk about is completely inappropriate or has nothing to do with getting to know me.  The conversation is like trying to dance with a guy in an epileptic fit.  It just doesn't work and isn't very pretty.  He is doing his own thing, I'm doing mine. 

I've decided to highlight a couple recent examples of conversations *I use that word 'conversation' loosly* I have had with men from the personals, starting with the guy who has nothing to talk about.

Last week I had this fellow ask me no less than 3 times in one day to call him.  He wrote me a very nice email with good body, some interesting content, flattering commentary.  He seemed promising, so I called him.  He answered the phone and in a very snide, long drawn out drawl .. "Soooooo, what's yourrrrr story"?  *Rude*  Now I'm supposed to tell you a story?  How stupid.  I replied with 'What's your story?  You're the one who wanted to jump on the phone".  Not to mention, he had a verrrrrry creepy voice, which is something I know can happen *a guy with a creeper voice* but it is still yucky nonetheless.  He didn't tell me his story.  He talked about his dog's recent surgery in great detail for a few minutes - he had something wrong with his intestines, has to wear a collar, isn't eating much, blah blah blah.   "My kid hurt her knee", I told him - yes,  I found a reason to get off the phone. 

A couple weeks earlier I had another first phone call with someone I have actually known since high school.  We weren't close friends or anything, we ran in different circles, but I know who he is and he has a vague idea who I am - or at least who I ran with.  I recognized him on a personal site; we sent a couple short emails back and forth; we seemed to have some kind of rapport.  He asked me a couple times if he could call so I finally relented and said yes.  Once on the phone, he had virtually nothing to talk about .  Since the phone is an instrument that requires someone to speak in order for it to work, I took over the conversation.  Of course, by minute 2 I'm sure he thought I talked too much *most men who beg me to get on the phone and have nothing to say generally do think I talk too much* but someone had to do the talking in order for our call to be considered a conversation.  Otherwise it is just breathing and I think that is classified as an obscene phone call *which would probably have been more fun*.  I asked him a couple questions about what he has been doing all these years, his kids, etc.  I then handed off the conversation that I started to him, let him take charge since this call was his idea after all.  He said about 3 sentences, all about people we knew in high school *30 years ago* and his ex wife *who we went to high school with* then said "Well, I'm done.  I have nothing else to talk about".  Yes, he really said that.  Ummmm, ok.  It wasn't worth fighting for more 'conversation' time...so I said goodbye.

The next example is the guy who doesn't know how to talk on a phone, so he interrogates instead of chatting.  He probably has a 3 x 5 card with a list of questions on it so it will appear to a stupid woman *which I am not* that he has conversational and information gathering skills.  I swear to you Dear Reader, it always goes like this:   "What do you like to do for fun" *how vague*  "How often do you have your kid(s)?" *none of your business in a first phone call* "Do you get along with your ex?" *again, none of your business and WHY would you want to talk about my ex in a first phone call?* "What are you looking for?" *I wrote an entire profile explaining that, read it* "What do you do for a living?" *seriously? It is on my profile*  I do have a suggestion for the guy who wants to get on the phone and hear a woman's voice, yet has virtually nothing to talk about.  There are tons of online surveys you could tap into that ask all kinds of FUN questions like what your favorite movie is, do you like winter or summer best, what is your weirdest habit, etc....and make a game of it.   Admit right off the bat that you aren't good on the phone; that you just wanted to hear my voice and get to know me better.  Say "I have some silly questions to get to know you better *that makes me feel special* if you would be up to answering them *always nice to be asked*".  Sadly, it is always the same lame questions in the monotone voice from a guy who seems about as interested in getting to know me as he is paying his taxes.  *.....And he seemed so fun in the email he wrote me...*

How about the guy who has more to say than anyone should ever hear.  The most recent example is from yesterday.  The beginning of our conversation started with him telling me far too much information about his kid drama, ex drama, and divorce situation.  *sighhhhhhhhh*  So, as commonly happens in these phone call situations, I counseled him on how his daughter is going through a normal stage; he just has to hang in there with the ex and learn to deal with her boyfriend because other people are out of his control; and divorce is always painful and disappointing, but it will get better.  *Yessss, I really said all that*.  This unload of dramatic information continued for about 8 minutes.  *yawnnnnnnn*  All from a man who describes himself as a 'romantic who knows how to treat a woman like a lady, misses romance and passion, is looking for a connection...etc'.  Never fails.  I'm not feeling the romance.  Then, suddenly, the conversation started to improve.  He was funny, asked some interesting questions about me, I was starting to feel like he might have some depth.  Then WHAM, I hear how he has had two romances from the personal site - the first was on meth.  *Ok, I can't help but wonder how someone misses the signs that the person they are dating might be on meth, particularly an ex-cop*  The second woman was in th same industry as I am; she was consumed by work; and always stressed out,BUT  they had.... and I quote, 'GREAT SEX'.  So good to hear :)  I can't tell you how much that information enhanced our whole conversation. 

I cannot count the number of phone conversations I have had with men who pushed me to call them and then only talked about the ex wife; ex girlfriend; custody arrangement; divorce; breakup; alimony; what they lost in the break up; how badly they are treated; how much they hate the ex's new boyfriend; etc .. etc .. etc.   Maybe the men who have something to talk about really are men with nothing to talk about.  Nothing constructive to dating anyway.

I remember when talking on the phone was fun.  I vote we bring FUN back into communication, particularly in the dating arena.  For you men who have nothing to talk about on the phone *or only a bunch of dramatic ex drama that no woman wants to hear*....play the 50 questions game and do it because not only is it fun, but maybe you will find out some interesting stuff about the woman you are talking to.  Not to mention, when you ask women questions about themselves it makes them feel like you are really interested in getting to know them, duh.  After all, you met her on a PERSONAL SITE...don't you want to get personal.....with her?

 

Suggestions.......

1. Ask her what her favorite food is, favorite restaurant, what she likes most about her job, what her ideal vacation would be, favorite movie, dream car, etc.....there is much more to talk about than ex's and drama.

 

HAPPY DATING PEOPLE

Leave me alone?

 

 

 

Sometimes I wonder if there is a point at which you have been a single person for so long that becoming an 'unsingle' person is nearly impossible.  Not that there are no available single people to attach yourself to, because certainly there is a small pool of middle aged 'availables' left.  It is that you (or I) have become so accustomed to being on your ( our) own that integrating your life with another person, or even just giving up more than two weekends in a row to spend time with someone, becomes almost a burden.  That must sound horrible, particularly because I am forever stating that I am 'tired of being single', but I am the first to admit that I tend to be very territorial about my personal time.  I don't mind giving it up here and there to share it with another, but when I feel like I am required to make time for someone other than my daughter, Fynn, I can get a tad resistant - even resentful about it. My life these days is extremely busy, so quiet 'me' time is precious.

The last couple relationships I have been in happened very quickly.  By the third 'date' - all of which occurred within a time span of 10 days - I was spending every single weekend and some week nights after work - dinner, a drink, hanging out, whathaveyou - with that person.  That is a lot of 'me time' thrown out the window.  At first it was fun because I tend to have long droughts of singleness, but by weekend three the novelty had worn off and I was ready to hit the bookstore in silence with only my 'Hello ' mag rag and a Cafe Ole' to keep me company.  Every part of my being was screaming for solitude by week 5.  Within a five week span I went from 'If I don't find a man soon a I will die of loneliness" to "I wish I could just BE ALONE .  I'm schizophrenic obviously * my other self just told me that *  I am hoping it is really just a combination of needing to find the right person and the right speed for jumping back into the 'we' pool again.  It would suck to find out that I'm just crazy.

 

 

Do I have a TYPE?

I got an email today that got me thinking about what kind of man is my 'type'. Typically speaking, I am physically attracted to men who are tall, dark, and handsome * how cliche, hey? *, but I have always assumed that is because my dad is a tall, dark, and handsome Jew...therefore, I tend to lean towards those types of men. That look is familiar to me. When I really think back on the men I had a really deep connection with, few were that physical type.

The last relationship I had was the Brit. He was the farthest thing from tall, dark, or very handsome (to be honest). His skin was so white that if he got the right angle he could literally reflect the sun off his forehead and strike someone blind. He had super blue eyes and greying red hair. Yep, freckles too. It certainly wasn't his look that interested me. He was genuine and kind of strange in a fun way. He has that accent and a different way of looking at life. He laughed a lot, smiled almost all the time, and not much seemed to 'get' to him. Not to mention, he was good at planning our dates and activities. I liked that a lot. I felt nurtured.

Before him was a Dutchman. He had hair as white as snow and NO he wasn't Santa Clause. Far from it. He had a swimmers build, grey/blue eyes, and a smile that could melt snow. He wasn't the most interesting person in the world, not a whole lot ot say about much of anything really, but he oozed sex appeal. Like one of those long haired hunks on the cover of a romance novel. Who needs to talk when you're hot, right? There were a couple other attributes that kept me interested; he was easy to be around, he loves Blues music like myself, and well...hmmm...Oh Lord, it really is only two things - I guess that is it. It was 90% physical - I am more shallow than I like to believe.

Before the Dutchman was the Israeli Jew. * FINALLY, a Jew! *. He was a living, breathing cartoon character. He claimed to be 5'8, but was 5'5; spoke with a thick, LOUD Israeli accent; he possessed more confidence than Don Juan, Brat Pitt, and Prince Charming combined; he worked in high tech security * of course *; and he absolutely adored the fact that I am a halfbreed Jew. I have no idea why, but it was very endearing. He certainly was not the best looking man I have ever dated * He is no Jeff Goldblum *, but I 'got' him and he seemed to be very comfortable with me. What I really liked about him was everything I wrote above. We met and it was like we had known each other forever. * Very cool.* He even went to church with me * his idea * with the disclaimer that he wouldn't be saying 'Jesus is God' but he liked Christian church - and he liked me more. The Israeli was passionate about LIFE and didn't apologize for it. * Maybe when you come from a country where your Sunday afternoon dinner could literally be disrupted by a scud missile, you appreciate more *. He wanted to take me to Tel Aviv to meet his mother and when I protested, mentioning the possibility of a bombing ruining our vacation * or life * he looked at me in dismay and say "Baby, that is only on the Gaza!". You gotta love a Jew :)

Before my Israeli was a huge Austrian. Again, this man had grey hair, super blue eyes, and nearly translucent skin. He stood over 6' and my friends often referred to him as 'Shrek' (only because he was built like a line backer). He was gregarious to say the least. I don't think he ever met a stranger, the man had the best social skills I have ever seen. He devoured life in general and wanted to experience everything he could in this life. * That can be very attractive and terrifying at the same time * He loved to cook for me and I am always drawn to men who nurture. We both loved adventure; live music venues; family; and Jesus. We had a lot of fun for sure.

When I compiled this list I realized that I don't really have a TYPE. Not physically for sure. I have dated Italians, Germans, Cajuns, Irishmen, and all around mutts. Outside of my Dutchman * who wasn't a very deep well * what all the other men share was a nurturing, outgoing, confident personality that was full of LIFE. They all had sex appeal in their own way * the Dutchman excelled in the 'in your face' variety * Yes, I am drawn to those qualities. I like genuine men. Men who know what they want and go after it. Men who have something inside them that makes them stand out. It isn't just the physical.

More anything that these men possessed in themselves was the way they make me feel about myself. They all made me feel special, attractive, needed, and wanted. The man who is my type is the man who convinces me that I am HIS type.

 

A little validation please

I was talking on the phone with a guy I met online recently when a familiar attitude popped up.  It was our first conversation; the 'get to know you' call.  Always a little awkward, particularly since we hadn't exchanged many emails.  I have been using my brother's computer because my trusty laptop is in the shop.  Unfortunately, his computer screen gives me a headache.  I was just about to sign off when this fellow messaged me, so I thought rather than cutting him off we could just move it to the phone - and we did :)

The call started off pretty good * for a first call with a virtual stranger * but then I noticed a behavior that I have experienced with men in the past.  I would make mention of something that I observe in my own life, my own experiences, and he would disagree with my observations. 

Example: 

When he asked me why I was single I told him that I think I am attracting men who tend to be more of a 'follower' than a 'leader' because I have masculine energy.  * This isn't anything negative about the men I have dated, this is just an obseravation about how I might be sabotaging my own love life *   My favorite matchmaker, Patty Sanger, has said this to women on her show "Millionaire Matchmaker" many times.  She says that women who are aggressive and have strong personalities have taken over the male role in their own lives, therefore men who are Alpha tend to be less attracted to them.  BUT, men who are less Alpha are drawn to them (strong females) because they possess the direction that those men are lacking in their own personalities.  * Makes sense to me *  I am living this very scenario in my own life.  I desire a strong, Alpha male to take the lead in our romantic life, but I don't attract Alpha males.  * In fact, I think I repulse them * When I told the fellow I was talking to this he said, "I disagree".  * Huh????? * "To what?" I asked.  He said that what I said isn't true.  He never gave a very clear reason why he would tell me my own life experience wasn't happening, but said that HE was an Alpha male, so that was proof that my observation was wrong.  * Uh, ok. *

Shortly after this exchange the subject turned to jobs; employment and lack there of.  I said that I am finding it strangly difficult to find a management position in my career field - property management - and I think it is because I am starting to 'age out'.  I am getting 'too old'.  He disagreed again.  ?????  I said, "How would you know?  Are you in property management?" (I already knew he wasn't).  He said "No, but I have held many management positions and that isn't true".  Hmmm...so if I manage a McDonalds does that now mean I am an expert on how Donald Trump hires for management positions in his organization?  Since I have managed for twently years, do I have superior insight to all industries and their hiring practices?  Does this man, having been a 'Manager', know more about an industry that I have spent 20 years working in than I do?  * Yeah, that is a tad aggressive, masculine energy...taking a breath here *

What I took away from our conversation was that some men * I said some * either believe they know everything (even when they don't); feel the need to sound like an expert on a topic they know little (to nothing) about because they think that is an example of 'Alpha' behavior; or they have a problem validating a woman's point of view and/or life experiences.  This isn't the first time I have felt as though what I am saying is being dismissed by the male I am talking to.  Instead of asking me questions or trying to understand my point of view, I am immediately told I am wrong and it is explained to me why.  More often than not, I am then schooled on the topic we are discussing because obviously after living 45 years on this earth I really know nothing and need someone to tell me 'how it is', even if they have absolutely no experience with the subject we are discussing and I do. 

Let us not forget, this conversation all stemmed from a personal dating site, where I went to meet a potential honey.  The whole reason for the call is to get acquainted to see if we have enough in common to even meet in person.  I have to wonder how this man thinks by disagreeing with most of what I say is going to make me think we would be compatible?  I know this is crazy, but I generally feel closer to men who seem to understand me.  If anyone (not just a man) treats what I have to share as though it has no validity whatsoever, I tend to back away - not get closer.  I want to connect with someone.  What kind of connection do you have with a person who doesn't seem value anything you have to say? 

Remember the golden dating rule:  A little validation can go a long way.

 

What ever happened to the Brit?!

So...I stopped very short on my blogging about my beau, the Englishman.  We were a very busy couple, always on the go, and I abandoned my newly founded 'Leaving Single' blog to spend most of my free time pursuing romance.

Unfortunately, after approximately 110 days...we opted out.  There were too many differences in culture - yes, culture..well, actually I couldn't understand 75% of what he said to me.  That damned Liverpoolian accent! *   I think I just made up that word  * Our age difference began to show and we were just on different wave lengths.   He did post a regretably incorrect reason for our parting on his FB page and I am not quite sure why, but over all I would say he was a class act and I enjoyed my time with him.  I wish him happiness and romance in the future.  We all deserve some of that!

 

Back to the circus........